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Justin Bieber would like you to stop looking at his penis

By | Published on Friday 9 October 2015

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber would like you to stop looking at his penis. So stop it. Stop it right now. Stop looking at his penis. How would you like it if people were looking at your penis?

Assuming you have one. If not, imagine you do and then imagine people looking at it. How do you feel now? Well, exactly. That’s how Justin Bieber feels. And given that he’s the world’s nicest guy, we should probably do as he asks.

Paparazzi photos of Bieber wandering around in the nude were published by the New York Daily News earlier this week. This sparked two debates. Firstly, is Justin Bieber’s penis massive or tiny? No one seems sure. Secondly, is that even Justin Bieber in those photos?

Well, ladies and gentleman, at the very least the second debate has been resolved. The pictures show both Justin Bieber and Justin Bieber’s penis. This was helpfully confirmed by the popstar’s lawyers in a cease-and-desist letter to the NYDN.

“We recently became informed that your company has obtained and is distributing unauthorised photographs of our client including images showing him without clothing” says the letter, according to The Hollywood Reporter. Their client is Justin Bieber. And by association his penis. So now we know what you’ve been looking at.

Legal action was threatened if the newspaper continued to distribute the photos, citing privacy and publicity rights. The pictures currently remain on its website, but the penis has now been obscured. So that’s the end of that. Except that there are approximately four billion places online now where you can see the uncensored pictures. So just go and find one of them, if you’re that interested in continuing to look at them.

Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself, encouraging such invasions of privacy. You’re the reason things like this continue to happen. Maybe for every picture of Bieber’s penis you look at you should have to post a picture of your own online. If you have one. If not, just imagine you do and post a picture of that.