Artist News Awards

Everything on the Mercury shortlist is awful and music is ruined forever

By | Published on Friday 16 October 2015

Mercury Prize

The Mercury Prize shortlist has been announced. And oh what a list it is. It’s hard to know who to complain about first. Well, let’s start with Aphex Twin, given that he was announced first in Lauren Laverne’s big reveal of the shortlist, in an ironically long-winded manner, on her 6 Music show.

Aphex Twin – Syro
Urgh, Aphex Twin? Was ‘Syro’ even a proper album? Just sounded like off cuts from old records to me. His thing with acoustic instruments was better.

Wolf Alice – My Love Is Cool
Urgh, Wolf Alice? Aren’t they just a throwaway buzz band? I thought the Mercury was supposed to reward people with staying power. Like M People.

Róisín Murphy – Hairless Toys
Urgh, Róisín Murphy? Is she just listed because they’re embarrassed that Moloko never got nominated?

C Duncan – Architect
Urgh, C Duncan? Should we really be giving recognition to people who can’t even be bothered to write out their names in full? Just say Christopher Duncan. Or Chris, if you must. Topher maybe. This is this year’s folk nomination.

Eska – Eska
Urgh, Eska? Swanning around the place with her soulful voice. Who does she think she is? Only about four people have heard of this album, anyway. Why not give the place to stuff people already know?

Florence And The Machine – How Big How Blue How Beautiful
Urgh, Florence And The Machine? Are you kidding me? Call that singing? Shouting more like. And look at that album title. Where are all the commas? Sets a bad example to The Kids. Not something that should be getting a prize.

Ghostpoet – Shedding Skin
Urgh, Ghostpoet? If I wanted my rappers thoughtful I’d read the joke on a Penguin wrapper. Does that even make sense? No, but this has numbed my mind. Hip hop for people who want a nap.

Benjamin Clementine – At Least For Now
Urgh, Benjamin Clementine? We’re allowing people named after fruit now? Not even good fruit. Clementines are shit. His singing voice takes some getting used to, as well. I don’t have time to get used to things.

Jamie XX – In Colour
Urgh, Jamie XX? He’s already won it once, with The xx’s first album. Did no one notice? He’s just bitter because he had to share the prize money last time. Strike him from the list!

Soak – Before We Forgot How To Dream
Urgh, Soak? You know she’s still a teenager, right? When has a teenager ever made an album worthy of an award. Never. Come back when you’ve lived a little, Bridie.

Gaz Coombes – Matador
Urgh, Gaz Coombes? Is this a wind up? Gaz Coombes off of Supergrass? Is he just here so that Róisín Murphy isn’t the only person bussed in from the 90s?

Slaves – Are You Satisfied?
Urgh, Slaves? Audio Bullys for the selfie generation. I’m sure they’ve only picked this so that can stick in on the end of the list, its title smugly staring us down. It knows we’re not satisfied. How could we be? Look at this shortlist. It’s a joke! How will we ever be able to take music seriously again? This is the end of everything we know and hold dear.

Music will never recover from this. Never.

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