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The Kunts announce third attempt at Christmas number one

By | Published on Monday 5 December 2022

The Kunts

You might think that with Boris Johnson finally out of the way The Kunts could consider that their work is now done and therefore put aside any continued hopes of achieving a Christmas number one with a sweary anti-government record. You would be wrong.

Having reached number five in 2020 with ‘Boris Johnson Is A Fucking Cunt’ and in 2021 with ‘Boris Johnson Is Still A Fucking Cunt’, this year their turning their attention to the rest of the Conservative Party. What could be more festive and full of Christmas cheer than a song called ‘Fuck The Tories’?

“Christmas number one is a high profile but achievable target”, say the band of their ambitions for the new song, before adding of the record: “It does not begin to make up for twelve years of heartless government, punishing the poorest, appalling decision making, mismanagement of our money, wrecking the economy, corruption, lies and sleaze”.

But, they add, it is “a protest we can make which will be a massive embarrassment for the government not just in the UK but around the world – the previous Boris Johnson campaigns were reported as far afield as the US, South Africa, The Netherlands and Hungary – and something the government and their media teams will have to firefight or pretend to ignore all over the Christmas period”.

“It’s the easiest thing in the world to sit there and say things are pointless”, they add, addressing anyone who says that this will achieve nothing. “Until we all voice our discontent with the way things are being run, nothing will change. If you don’t do something, you just do nothing”.

“This is something we can do and we want you to be part of”, they go on, “we all believe punk shouldn’t be a nostalgia trip, it should be making people feel uncomfortable and question things in the here and now”.

One past criticism of The Kunts and their attempts to top the Christmas charts is that their releases are not put out to support any named charity, unlike some other Christmas number one contenders.

However, on this they say: “We have no record company or promotions company – we do everything ourselves, so a campaign like this takes two to three months [of] work to set up”.

“We sell the downloads as cheaply as possible – major record labels charge you 79p or 99p, we put ours out at 59p – the minimum you can charge – [and] the platforms and distributor also take a cut of that. We pay all our remixers and collaborators fairly”.

“Some of what is left over gets put back into the next campaign”, they continue, “so the videos you see are funded by last year’s campaign. Some is used for living expenses”.

“We [do] donate some to charities that matter to us but we believe this should be down to personal choice, rather than the default setting for creative endeavours”, they add. “We would never use charity to try and make people buy records or promote our image. If you like the campaign, back it. Food banks do amazing work. Support them. The fact that they exist at all in the UK in 2022 is part of the problem”.

The band are, of course, up against numerous other contenders for this year’s Christmas number one – not least a whole host of World Cup related tracks.

The success of those – including Baddiel, Skinner & Lightning Seeds’ ‘Three Lions (It’s Coming Home For Christmas)’ and Joel Corry’s ‘Lionheart (Come On England)’ – will likely rely on England getting through to the final of the men’s football World Cup this month.

That final will take place two days into the festive chart battle, so football-related songs would certainly have the momentum behind them if the England team was still competing by that point.

Still, in the event that the England team doesn’t make it to the final (I know, imagine!), there are plenty more songs vying for the still coveted (maybe?) top of the Christmas singles chart.

There are Christmas classics like Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ that perform well every December on the streaming services, as well as new Christmas songs from the likes of Sam Smith, George Ezra and the king of Christmas, Cliff Richard. Or the festive chart could be topped by a non-festive tune, with Stormzy and Lewis Capaldi amongst those in the running.

The Kunt’s ‘Fuck The Tories’ isn’t the only anti-government Christmas chart contender this year either. There’s a social media push to get The Prodigy’s 1994 collaboration with Pop Will Eat Itself – ‘Their Law’ – to number one, and Robbie Williams collaborator Guy Chambers has written a new song called ‘Thank Fuck It’s Christmas’, performed by Trickster and the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra.

Then there are the customary charity singles, such as Basil Brush’s ‘Boom! Boom! It’s Christmas Again’ – which features previous Christmas number one champion Mr Blobby – released in aid of Save The Children, while Peter Crouch and Paul Potts are putting out ‘Crouchy Conducts The Classics’ to support Stonewall.

But we are, of course, still waiting for an announcement from The Kunts’ nemesis in all this, that being LadBaby. The YouTuber has reached the Christmas number one spot for the last four years in a row, with songs about sausage rolls, raising money for the Trussell Trust food bank charity. You might have noticed a vaguely veiled swipe at LadBaby in The Kunt’s statement earlier.

For some more possibly libellous (and not at all veiled) thoughts about Ladbaby and their charitable endeavours from The Kunts, you can head to their website.

If England get to the World Cup final (unlikely) or LadBaby enter the fray again (fairly likely), then The Kunts are going to have an uphill battle. That said, they’ve alway faced artists and chart campaigns with far stronger backing and media support, and have twice reached the top five. So who knows?

This will actually be The Kunts’ second chart campaign of the year, they having attempted to get their song ‘Prince Andrew Is A Sweaty Nonce’ to number two during the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee. That finished at number 20. Although, to be fair, no Jubilee-based chart campaign really gained much traction.

The race to Christmas number one begins on Friday 16 Dec at one minute past midnight and finishes at one minute to midnight on Thursday 22 Dec. The winner will be revealed on BBC Radio 1’s ‘Official Chart Show’ on Friday 23 Dec.

Watch the video for ‘Fuck The Tories’ here:

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