THURSDAY 29 SEPTEMBER 2022 COMPLETEMUSICUPDATE.COM
TODAY'S TOP STORY: The Incorporated Society Of Musicians has published a new report on discrimination and harassment in the music sector based on a survey of 660 people working in the industry, the results of which, the organisation says, "paint a picture of unsafe workplaces where perpetrators face no repercussions and there is a scandalous lack of action by contractors and employers"... [READ MORE]

TOP STORIES New ISM study spotlights "enormously concerning levels" of discrimination and harassment in the music sector
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LABELS & PUBLISHERS GESAC streaming report puts spotlight on price point, algorithms and the digital pie
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LIVE BUSINESS Lyte confirms acquisition of Festicket and Event Genius assets
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ARTIST NEWS Coolio dies
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GIGS & FESTIVALS Tom Grennan announces March arena tour
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AWARDS AIM Independent Music Awards presented
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ONE LINERS Avicii, Official Charts Company, Tegan & Sara, more
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AND FINALLY... Lewis Capaldi launches pizza company, Big Sexy Pizza
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Check out all the latest job opportunities with CMU Jobs. To advertise your job opportunities here email [email protected] or call 020 7099 9060.
   
WIENERWORLD - SOCIAL MEDIA & MARKETING ASSISTANT (LONDON)
We are looking for a Social Media and Marketing Assistant who will be responsible for increasing our artist, press, PR and social media presence, implementing and running digital and traditional marketing campaigns, as well as assisting in various administrative office duties.

For more information and to apply click here.
   
ISLINGTON ASSEMBLY HALL - ASSISTANT VENUE MANAGER, MARKETING (LONDON)
Islington Assembly Hall is looking for an Assistant Venue Manager who has experience of ticketing and/or marketing to join our team. A passion for coordinating and working events, problem-solving and a good eye for detail is essential for the role.

For more information and to apply click here.
   
BLANKS FACTORY - E-COMMERCE MANAGER (LONDON/HYBRID)
We are currently looking for an E-commerce Manager to oversee, develop and manage our own in-house brand as well as clients stores and accounts. This position is ideal for a self-motivated, hard-working individual who is willing to take the initiative and be involved in different aspects of the company.

For more information and to apply click here.
   
DOMINO - JUNIOR DIGITAL MARKETING MANAGER (LONDON)
Domino Recording Company is seeking a full-time Junior Digital Marketing Manager to be based in our London office, joining the label’s Marketing team. We are seeking an individual to be one of the central conduits for digital marketing and advertising initiatives for our artist’s campaigns.

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DOMINO - PRODUCTION & DIGITAL OPERATIONS COORDINATOR (LONDON)
Domino is recruiting for a Production & Digital Operations Co-ordinator to join the team in our London office. Responsibilities include booking new release mastering, ordering vinyl test pressings, and loading mastered music into the Domino release manager system.

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ASSOCIATION OF INDEPENDENT FESTIVALS - CHIEF EXECUTIVE OFFICER (UK)
We are looking for a new Chief Executive Officer to lead the Association, providing overall strategy and direction. The CEO represents the collective interests of AIF members to government, media outlets and the wider live music industry in addition to leading on all public facing AIF campaigns.

For more information and to apply click here.
   
DOMINO - WAREHOUSE & D2C COORDINATOR (LONDON)
Domino is recruiting for a Warehouse & D2C Coordinator. Responsibilities include packing and shipping orders to distributors and mail order customers, processing incoming deliveries of stock, and maintaining the physical conditions of the warehouse.

For more information and to apply click here.
   
INVOLVED PUBLISHING - SYNC & LICENSING MANAGER (LONDON)
Involved Publishing is looking for a Sync & Licensing Manager working out of our London or LA office. You'll be working with the Involved Group catalogue - comprising some of the most cutting edge producers, writers and artists from around the world including Above & Beyond, Dusky, Lane 8, Seven Lions and others - to procure placement opportunities across film, TV, games and advertising.

For more information and to apply click here.
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THE RECORD INDUSTRY THE MUSIC PUBLISHING SECTOR
THE STREAMING BUSINESS THE LIVE MUSIC SECTOR
THE DIRECT-TO-FAN BUSINESS MUSIC MARKETING

New ISM study spotlights "enormously concerning levels" of discrimination and harassment in the music sector
The Incorporated Society Of Musicians has published a new report on discrimination and harassment in the music sector based on a survey of 660 people working in the industry, the results of which, the organisation says, "paint a picture of unsafe workplaces where perpetrators face no repercussions and there is a scandalous lack of action by contractors and employers".

The new report - 'Dignity At Work 2' - follows on from an earlier study by ISM that was published in 2018. Since then there has been a much higher profile debate within the music industry about the need to eradicate discrimination and harassment within the sector, although the new study says that that increased debate is yet to result in tangible improvements.

In fact, ISM says, its new study "suggests that over the past four years, since our similar survey in 2018, the prevalence of discrimination and inappropriate behaviours in the music sector has increased".

Of the 660 people who responded to the latest survey, 66% said they had experienced some form of discrimination while working in the music sector, 76% of workers within studio and live music event settings experienced discrimination, and 58% of the discrimination was identified as sexual harassment.

Reporting discrimination and harassment is particularly challenging for those who are self-employed. And, of course, the music industry has an unusually high number of self-employed practitioners, including most artists and songwriters.

Of those who had experienced discrimination but were self-employed, 86% said that they did not report the discrimination, often because it wasn't actually clear to whom such a report would even be made.

ISM says: "The survey results are clear - being a freelancer exposes musicians to unsafe workplaces where it is extremely difficult to raise concerns. If concerns are raised, then the person making the complaint invariably suffers repercussions rather than the perpetrator".

Although, it's important to note, similar issues do also apply to those in formal employment who experience discrimination and harassment in the work place. "The culture of fear extends to those who are employed", the ISM adds, "and if concerns are raised then this part of the workforce can also face victimisation, even though this is unlawful".

The report makes a number of recommendations for the industry and law-makers. In terms of changes the industry could make itself, there is a call for much wider training on these issues, and for trade bodies to take a much more active role in policing their members.

As for possible changes to the law, ISM calls for reforms to the Equality Act 2010 to protect freelancers, reinstating rights around third-party harassment and extending the period of time to bring claims to a tribunal.

ISM President Vick Bain, who co-authored the report, says: "'Dignity At Work 2' uncovers enormously concerning levels of discrimination and harassment in the music sector. Everybody deserves to be safe at work and it's a scandal that our brilliant music workforce is being let down in this way".

"As we highlight in the report", she continues, "there are solutions to the problems we face. There are meaningful actions that both the government and the music sector can and should take to eradicate these problems. We need to take action now because we don't want to have to highlight these issues again in another four years time".

ISM CEO Deborah Annetts adds: "All those in leadership roles in the music sector need to work together to formulate the most effective solutions to tackle the unsafe workplaces which the ISM's latest 'Dignity' report portrays".

"The music workforce is primarily freelance which makes it particularly vulnerable to victimisation if concerns or complaints are made", she goes on. "This must stop. Those who are discriminated against must feel safe to come forward and raise their concerns. If we do not engender this cultural shift then nothing will change".

Music charity Help Musicians launched a new helpline earlier this year to support people experiencing bullying and harassment within the UK music industry. Its CEO James Ainscough says of the new ISM report: "The depressing survey results in this report show starkly that there has not been the positive change we hoped for in the last five years".

"We need a shift in culture and this insightful report from ISM makes some practical recommendations towards that", he adds. "The vast majority of us in the music industry long for a day when the Help Musicians Bullying & Harassment helpline is no longer needed, so we must work together with urgency to create an environment where discrimination, harassment and victimisation have no place".

You can download the ISM report and access other resources here. And you can access information on the Help Musicians helpline here.

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GESAC streaming report puts spotlight on price point, algorithms and the digital pie
GESAC - the pan-European grouping of song right collecting societies - yesterday published a new report on the streaming market, which provides an overview of the ongoing debates around the economics of streaming, identifying three key areas of concern: price point, algorithms and the good old slicing of the digital pie.

Produced by journalist and media consultant Emmanuel Legrand, the report - or 'Study On The Place And Role Of Authors And Composers In The European Music Streaming Market' - is based on a series of interviews with songwriters, music publishers, collecting societies, streaming services, and other digital music and data experts, as well as a review of other relevant research and media coverage.

Based on all that research, Legrand reports that there are "three main concerns authors and composers have regarding the way streaming services operate and the impact thereof on their livelihoods".

The first of those concerns is the "asymmetry between the goals of streaming services and the aspirations of authors and composers". This basically relates to price point, and the fact that the streaming services have used discounting and free tiers to achieve their key objective, ie growing userbases and maximising reach.

But this, of course, results in less revenue per user, and streaming is ultimately a revenue share business, with the music community getting a cut of the money generated by the services.

The report says: "The main streaming services' end-goal is to grow their userbase, and this is usually done through very extended ad-supported free tiers or through various pricing points and promotional plans to the detriment of other parameters such as ARPU - ie average money paid by each user".

Noting that in most markets the standard monthly subscription price for services like Spotify hasn't increased since those services launched in the late 2000s, it adds, "the services that provide very extended ad-supported free access are used more widely than paid services without a viable strategy to turn those users into premium subscribers".

"The end result", it then concludes, "is an overall lowering of the value of music, despite the growing userbase, making it difficult to grow the revenue pie, which is one of the primary requests of authors and composers".

The second area of concern relates to the dominance of hits and big name artists in the streaming market, and the role the streaming service algorithms play in all that when they push and recommend music to users. Or, in the words of the report itself, "structural issues about fairness in the streaming ecosystem".

"The current hit-driven market of music streaming has resulted in a pyramid system, whereby a small number of songs capture a large portion of the listenership", the report states. "For instance, 57,000 artists accounted for 90% of monthly Spotify streams in March 2021. The use of algorithms, as well as a bottleneck represented by the most popular playlists, exacerbates this".

"This report suggests solutions to bring greater transparency in the use of algorithms", it goes on, "and invites stakeholders to undertake a review of the economic models of streaming services and evaluate how they currently affect cultural diversity which should be promoted in its various forms - music genres, languages, origin of performers and songwriters - in particular through policy actions".

And the final concern is the one usually raised by the songwriting community, which is how streaming income is shared out across the music industry. Under the current model, 50-55% of income goes to the recording rights, 30-35% to the streaming service, and 10-15% to the song rights.

"The development of music streaming services has boosted the music industry but has mostly benefited the recorded music side rather than the authors and composers of songs", the report notes.

"According to recent studies the split of revenues from streaming is currently skewed towards the owners of sound recording rights", it goes on. "There are some structural and economic reasons to that situation. The report advocates for a better sharing of the value generated by the streaming economy between all stakeholders".

Beyond those three main concerns, the report also raises some of the data issues that impact on songwriters being credited within the streaming platforms, and which also add complexities in how song royalties are processed and paid.

Many record labels and music distributors are now providing basic songwriter credits alongside the recordings they deliver to streaming services, and many services are starting to display that information, but the GESAC report reckons much more could be done in both the provision and use of that data.

"If the streaming economy is a song economy, then it must ensure that the contributions of those who are at its heart are given proper recognition", the report says. "It means more visibility of, and more information on, authors and composers in the offer of the music streaming services".

"This can take multiple shapes and forms", it reckons, "from specific playlists highlighting songwriters to activation of algorithms offering a wider choice to listeners based on their (probably unknown) favourite songwriters, or requirements for prominence and discoverability of works of European authors".

Launching the new report yesterday, the President of GESAC Gernot Graninger - who is also CEO of the Austrian song rights societies AKM and AustroMechana - said: "We can no longer accept an economic model that, despite an exponential increase of users and the offer, is incapable of properly remunerating creators. We need to grow the overall revenue pie and address the systemic imbalances and dysfunctions in the operation of online platforms, so that authors and composers can benefit more favourably from the resulting success of this growing market".

Meanwhile, GESAC GM Véronique Desbrosses added: "It is time to consider a more balanced and sustainable market that does not leave behind the creators who fuel this thriving economy. Thanks to authors and their societies, streaming services are offering access to a massive catalogue of music in a streamlined and user-friendly manner but falling short of answering the expectations of creators in terms of remuneration and recognition".

"The study", she went on, "provides European policy makers with a useful insight into the market as well as a constructive approach towards a more author-friendly and culturally diverse music streaming ecosystem".

You can download the new report here.

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Lyte confirms acquisition of Festicket and Event Genius assets
Lyte - the US-based platform that allows event promoters to manage ticket reservations and resale - has confirmed it is acquiring the assets of collapsed UK ticketing firm Festicket, including its Event Genius ticketing tech subsidiary.

Festicket formally fell into administration earlier this month, following a board decision at the end of August that administration proceedings were now the best option for the struggling business, which was seemingly unable to deal with the long-term challenges created by the shutdown of live music during the COVID pandemic.

As the administration process got underway, Event Genius - which Festicket bought back in 2019 - told its clients that Lyte would be buying the company's assets. And Lyte itself confirmed that acquisition yesterday, saying that it was buying the assets of both Festicket and Event Genius in a deal that will result in a "truly global e-commerce solution".

It added: "For several years, both independently and since joining forces in 2019, Festicket and Event Genius worked with hundreds of festivals and events across the UK, EU, Australia and Latin America, and this acquisition enables Lyte to offer unique and beloved experiences to fans attending live events across the globe, while building upon our successful partnership integration model with ticketing platforms in the United States".

Confirming the deal, Lyte founder and CEO Ant Taylor noted that he got the idea for his ticketing business while visiting the London Olympics in 2012.

"Ten years ago I visited London for the 2012 Olympic games", he said. "The events were sold out, there were no tickets on the streets, but the venues were half-full. I was just a fan but that empty seats problem stuck with me and led me to start Lyte a couple years later".

"To be launching Lyte's international expansion from the place where it all started, is truly special", he went on. "Our company vision is to make the live events e-commerce experience magical for fans and event creators, the world over ... This is a step in that direction. Now the real work begins".

Lyte's Chief Commercial Officer Lawrence Peryer added: "With the assets we have acquired in this transaction - and all of the new team members in the UK, Europe and Australia who we welcome as part of it - we are bringing global opportunities to our existing employees and partners while extending an offer of access to our alternate universe to all promoters, ticket platforms and fans worldwide. The future of live events is here".

The Lyte deal should mitigate the impact of the collapse of Festicket on some of the company's employees and clients. Though that impact is still likely to be felt by some in the live music sector, with a number of promoters and venues expressing concerns about monies they are owned from tickets sold via the Festicket platform and its other ticketing site Ticket Arena.

Meanwhile, those ticket-buyers owed refunds from Festicket or Ticket Arena may well have to rely on their credit card companies to get their money back.

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Approved: Caitlin LM
Singer-songwriter Caitlin LM makes music that creates an innate sense of space around it, bringing an immediate sense of intimacy to songs which, through their finely tuned arrangements, draw tight focus to her voice and lyrics.

New single 'When Was The Last Time' - following last month's 'I Know You Know' - is a perfect example of this, not only through the sparse intertwining of synth and strings that make up the music, but through its lyrics, which are literally about creating space for yourself.

"'When Was The Last Time' was written as a reminder for myself, and hopefully you, to pause, reflect and take time to breathe", she says. "It's often when things are most frantic that it feels the hardest thing to do, even though it's what we need the most. In a world where hustling is celebrated, I think it's important we still take time to be in this moment".

You can catch Caitlin LM at Sofar Sounds in Brixton on 5 Oct, and then supporting the also recently approved Dilettante at Gulliver's in Manchester on 14 Oct.

Listen to 'When Was The Last Time' here.

Stay up to date with all of the artists featured in the CMU Approved column by subscribing to our Spotify playlist.

Coolio dies
Rapper Coolio - real name Artis Ivey Jr - has died, aged 59, it was confirmed last night. No cause of death has yet been announced.

The news was confirmed by his management, with TMZ reporting that the rapper was found dead at a friend's house in LA. Paramedics were reportedly called to a "medical emergency" at around 4pm and subsequently pronounced Coolio dead upon their arrival. An autopsy will be conducted to determine the cause of death.

"We are saddened by the loss of our dear friend and client, Coolio, who passed away this afternoon", said Trinity Artists International's Sheila Finegan in a statement yesterday. "He touched the world with the gift of his talent and will be missed profoundly. Thank you to everyone worldwide who has listened to his music and to everyone who has been reaching out regarding his passing. Please have Coolio's loved ones in your thoughts and prayers".

Born in 1963, Coolio released his debut single, 'Whatcha Gonna Do?', in 1987. After working with the group WC And The Maad Circle, he signed to Tommy Boy Records and released his debut album, 'It Takes A Thief', in 1991.

That album spawned a number of hits, but he is best known for his 1995 single 'Gangsta's Paradise', which was recorded for the film 'Dangerous Minds'. Featuring LV, the track became a worldwide hit and one of the most successful rap songs of all time.

Although he had further successes - most notably 'C U When U Get There' from his third album, 'My Soul', in 1997 - he never again reached the heights of 'Gangsta's Paradise' and his popularity began to wane. He was dropped by Tommy Boy after 'My Soul' failed to live up to expectations.

He continued to release albums though, with his eighth and last, 'From The Bottom 2 The Top', coming out in 2009.

Since 2009, Coolio made a number of appearances on reality TV shows - including 'Celebrity Big Brother' in the UK - and built up a following with cookery videos on YouTube.

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Tom Grennan announces March arena tour
Tom Grennan has announced UK arena dates for March next year. He's also revealed that he has a new album, called 'What Ifs & Maybes', on the way.

"I've called my new album 'What Ifs & Maybes'", he says. "It's about going with your gut, not your head, because you never know what's going to happen. I'm not afraid to jump into the unknown - because it's exciting! It's about rolling the dice and living your best life with nothing to lose. I'm in a new creative space, and I know I'm finally the artist I want to be".

"I'm so buzzing for these shows, my biggest gigs to date", he adds. "I can't wait to get out and play these new songs to everyone. Let's go!"

The release date for the album is still to be announced, but if I had to guess, I'd say 7 Feb. Just going with my gut there, thanks Tom. Tickets for the live shows go on general sale on 7 Oct, with a pre-sale open to anyone who pre-orders the album from his website.

Here are the tour dates:

10 Mar: Birmingham, Utilita Arena
11 Mar: Cardiff, Motorpoint Arena
12 Mar: Leeds, First Direct Arena
14 Mar: Newcastle, O2 City Hall
15 Mar: Glasgow, SSE Hydro
17 Mar: Nottingham, Motorpoint Arena
18 Mar: Manchester, Manchester AO Arena
19 Mar: Brighton, Brighton Centre
21 Mar: Plymouth, Pavilions
23 Mar: London, O2 Arena

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AIM Independent Music Awards presented
AIM's Independent Music Awards were presented last night at a ceremony in London, with winners including Stormzy, Lethal Bizzle, Rina Sawayama, Wet Leg, Mitski, Nilüfer Yanya, and record labels Rough Trade and Local Action.

Stormzy accepted the Diversity Champion award for his work with his charity The #Merky Foundation and book publishing company #Merky Books.

Speaking via video link, he said: "I encourage everyone in the room today to not just use diversity as a buzzword. Whatever position you lot are in, whatever roles you might play, try to be a real driving factor for it and not just see it as a quota or a box to tick and really see the worth and value in being diverse. Thank you to the AIM Awards and to God be the glory".

Here are all the winners in a comforting and familiar list form:

Best Independent Album: Cleo Sol - Mother (Forever Living Originals)
Best Independent Track: Nova Twins - Antagonist (Marshall Records)
Best [Difficult] Second Album: Nilüfer Yanya - Painless (ATO Records)
Best Independent EP/Mixtape: Taahliah - Angelica (untitled (recs))
Best Independent Remix: Champion remix of Ibeyi - Lavender & Red Roses feat Jorja Smith (XL Recordings)
Best Independent Video: Jeshi - 3210 (Because Music)
Best Creative Campaign: Maylee Todd - Maloo campaign from Stones Throw Records

UK Independent Breakthrough: Wet Leg (Domino Recording Company)
International Breakthrough: Blxst (Red Bull Records)
Best Live Performer: Mitski (Dead Oceans)
One To Watch: Nia Archives (HIJINXX)
Most Played New Independent Artist: DOD (Axtone Records)

Best Independent Label: Rough Trade Records
Best Boutique Label: Local Action

Diversity Champion: Stormzy
Innovator Award: Rina Sawayama
Outstanding Contribution To Music: Lethal Bizzle
Special Recognition: The Libertines (Rough Trade)
Independent Champion: Kenny Gates and Michel Lambot, [PIAS]
Music Entrepreneur Of The Year: Corey Johnson, CEO & Founder, Defenders Ent

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DEALS

Pophouse Entertainment has acquired a 75% stake in the recording and song catalogues of Avicii. "Tim was not only one of the world's best DJs, he was an extremely productive genius who always went his own way, mixing genres, challenging conventions and creating music history", says Pophouse CEO Per Sundin. "I followed his whole journey, and it is with honour and pride that I and the entire Pophouse company, together with the Bergling family, will nurture and introduce his music to new generations of listeners in all parts of the world".

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APPOINTMENTS

The UK's Official Charts Company has appointed Sony Music's Director Of Commercial Analytics Charlotte de Burgh-Holder as its new Chair, taking over from Amazon Music's Paul Firth. "We're incredibly privileged in the UK to have access to the gold standard of charts that's evolved with the market over the years", she says. "I'm looking forward to working with Official Charts as they continue to grow".

Music distributor FUGA has promoted COO Christiaan Kröner to President following Pieter van Rijn's move to President of parent company Downtown Music. Darren Owen takes over as COO. "It is an honour to be following in Pieter van Rijn's footsteps as President of FUGA, a company I am privileged to have been a part of for the last ten years", says Kröner. "Under Pieter's leadership, FUGA's proprietary technology and service offerings have become a true industry game-changer".

Former CEO of Universal's Capitol Music Group Jeff Vaughn has joined Sony Music's Columbia Records, where he will oversee new imprint Signal Records. The new label will sign artists who want to "amplify their voice without diluting their message", says Vaughn. Sure. Why not?

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LIVE BUSINESS

Independent concert promoter 432 Presents has become co-owner of The Voodoo Rooms venue in Edinburgh, alongside two of its existing directors, Ewan McNaught and Lachlan Rooney. "We are THRILLED to join Ewan, Lachlan and the hardworking team at The Voodoo Rooms and look forward to exploring ways in which we can use our expertise to contribute to the cultural fabric of the city of Edinburgh in this most cherished of institutions", says 432 Presents' Brian Reynolds.

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RELEASES

Tegan & Sara have released new single 'I Can't Grow Up', from their new album 'Crybaby', which is out on 21 Oct. The song, says Sara, "was musically inspired by Chicago band Dehd and their album 'Flower Of Devotion'. The song started on bass, an instrument I'd never written with until 'Crybaby', and I was channeling a little bit of Emily Kempf from Dehd, and Peter Hook from New Order. My partner had traveled back to the US, after a year of being stuck in Canada during the pandemic, and I was enjoying late nights alone writing music and singing full tilt in the basement".

Hugh Cornwell has released new single 'Coming Out Of The Wilderness'. His tenth solo album, 'Moments Of Madness', is out on 21 Oct. "It's like I've got a stew pot of sounds where I've put in a bit of Joe Meek, a bit of Lou Reed, a flavour of The Doors, a bit of this, a bit of that and I mix it all up and it tastes good", he says of the LP. "I'm like a cook when I make records in that I don't follow any recipe".

SMYL has released new single 'Lost Myself', featuring Guy Garvey. "I've been a fan of Guy and Elbow since their album 'Cast Of Thousands' got stuck in my car's CD player when I was in college", he says. "It would always come on glaringly loud whenever I started my car. I got to tell him this story when we were shooting the video for 'Lost Myself' and had a good laugh. Singing with Guy feels like having a good conversation over a pint. Familiar and warm".

Mike Patton-fronted hardcore supergroup Dead Cross have released new single 'Christian Missile Crisis'. The song, says guitarist Justin Pearson, "takes an obvious jab at organised religion, NRA-holes who clearly compensate for their lack of masculinity by fixating on gun ownership and gun 'rights', and the fact that a large enough amount of Americans have the inability to negotiate peace and prefer oppressing others". The band's new album, 'II', is out on 14 Oct.

Loshh has released new single 'K', featuring Obongjayar. His new EP, 'Akole', is out on 21 Oct.

Snapped Ankles are back with a cover of Blurt's 'The Fish Needs A Bike'. It's a whole lot of fun.

Karin Park has released new single 'Traces Of Me', taken from her new album, 'Private Collection', which is out on 7 Oct. As well as the newly written 'Traces Of Me', the album features new versions of songs from across her seven albums. "This record is very much a journey in solitude that I've been longing to make", she says. "These are my favourite songs from 20 years of writing, re-recorded as I hear them now. Many of these versions are how I play them live, alone with my synths, mellotron and organ".

Check out our weekly Spotify playlist of new music featured in the CMU Daily - updated every Friday.

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Lewis Capaldi launches pizza company, Big Sexy Pizza
Sourdough. You all started making it in lockdown, didn't you? You got hold of a starter from somewhere. Maybe you fermented one yourself, or found it in a ditch or something. Then you baked like your life depended on it. And what did you do then? You posted pictures on social media, didn't you?

But not one of you - not fucking one of you - thought to turn that hobby into a frozen pizza business with repeat orders from two nationwide supermarket chains. And that's why none of you will ever even be half the person Lewis Capaldi is. You sicken me.

I mean, for fuck's sake, when the second lockdown lifted you stopped making bread altogether, didn't you? That hobby you were so proud of, you dropped it like a stone. Or an overbaked loaf. Just fucking gave up on it the moment we were allowed back in the pub again. And I think that says a lot about your priorities. Just a lot about you as a person in general, in fact. And yes, I am still talking to all of you. Un-fucking-believable.

Right, anyway, I'm supposed to be telling you about these pizzas that Lewis Capaldi has been making. It's just that, right, yes, I know people had a lot of time on their hands in lockdown and baking filled some of that time. It's only bread though. I don't know why you were so amazed that following a bread recipe resulted in you having bread in your house. It's just bread. Just because you made it by rotting some flour in a cup doesn't make you special. You still didn't start a pizza business, did you?

Lewis Capaldi did though. A pizza business! And he's not selling those pizzas out of the back of his car at a farmers market like you probably would, if you even had one morsel of ingenuity or ambition. No, he's selling them in Tesco AND Iceland. So straight off he's got the low and middle ends of the market covered. Not like you.

Right, you can stop that now. No, I didn't make any fucking sourdough in lockdown. And no, I don't think that reflects on me badly, actually. What did I do in lockdown? I worked, mate. Worked at my job. Wrote all this shit, which you then didn't read because you were off making your twelfth fucking sourdough of the day. Dropping hot loaves straight into the bin because you'd made too much. So, no, I didn't take up baking as a new hobby in lockdown.

Also, I own a breadmaker. You can buy breadmakers now, you idiots. Drop the ingredients in, turn it on, come back later and there's a loaf of bread just sitting there for you. Why would I do all the hard work myself when I have a breadmaker sitting right there taking up valuable space on the countertop? Think about it. Just for a fucking second.

Anyway, yeah, Lewis Capaldi. He's made some pizzas. "I think lockdown spurred on a lot of ideas for a lot of people", he says in a video promoting these pizzas of his. "And I turned to sourdough. Sourdough is my solace. The cogs started turning and I thought, pizzas could be my true calling".

Look, no, you're right, my breadmaker doesn't do sourdough. Fuck sourdough though. It's not all that.

"It took a while, it was a lot of trial and error", Capaldi continues. "Eventually that spark just ignited and I stumbled upon greatness. I want to give these pizzas the best chance they can to succeed, I'll be doing cooking shows, chat shows, you'll be seeing a lot of the big cheese".

I know this all sounds like a big hoax. And Capaldi's video announcing it doesn't really help that. Neither does the fact that his company is called Lewis Capaldi's Big Sexy Pizza. They really are for sale in Tesco and Iceland though, I promise you. A fiver each, they are. Quite reasonable. If you like buying frozen pizza, like a fucking sheep.

I don't want to brag, but I make my own pizzas. Make up my own dough from scratch every Friday and make pizzas for the whole family. Yes, by "from scratch" I do mean I throw all the ingredients in the breadmaker and press the start button. I'm just doing what any normal human being would do. What, you think they're hand making the dough in those pizza restaurants you like to go to? Those 'chefs' are just actors. They just kneed the same ball of dough all night - occasionally throw it in the air - while machines do the real work.

No, I didn't start my own pizza company off the back of all this either, but I think I mentioned earlier that I've been very busy. Anyway, if you want to see why you're an utter failure, you can have a look at Capaldi's completely fake-looking - but absolutely not fake - pizza company website here.

I think I got all the relevant information across in this article. Just in case any of it wasn't clear: you absolutely fucking sicken me.

BACK TO THE TOP OF THE BULLETIN

 
ANDY MALT | Editor
Andy heads up the team, overseeing the CMU Daily, website and Setlist podcast, managing social channels, reporting on artist and business stories, and writing the CMU Approved column.
[email protected] (except press releases, see below)
   
CHRIS COOKE | Co-Founder & MD
Chris provides music business coverage, writing key business news and CMU Trends. He also leads the CMU Insights consultancy unit and the CMU:DIY future talent programme, as well as heading up CMU publisher 3CM UnLimited.
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SAM TAYLOR | Commercial Manager
Sam oversees the commercial side of the CMU media, leading on sales and sponsorship, and also heads up business development at CMU Insights and CMU:DIY.
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CARO MOSES | Co-Publisher
Caro helps oversee the CMU media as a Director of 3CM UnLimited, as well as heading up the company's other two titles ThisWeek London and ThreeWeeks Edinburgh, and supporting other parts of the business.
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